Well tomorrow is the day we've all secretly been wishing we could avoid, Truitt's 2nd birthday.  We are all at such a loss at what to do to commemorate this day.  Do we bake and decorate a birthday cake, as if he were here to enjoy it? Do we buy gifts for....someone..., but who? Do we go to Truitt's grave and leave flowers, or balloons?  Do we just get together and try not to cry the entire day?  One thing is for sure, we don't want to forget the day and pretend that it was never a special day in our lives. We don't want to pretend that nothing terrible has happened.  Yet, everything about this day reminds us of the huge gaping hole in our family.

I  realize that whatever we do is only for our own benefit, not for Truitt.  However, even that fact alone is evidence of what is missing in our hearts.  A child's birthday, without the child.  Not the joyous, loud, excited event you normally think of when celebrating a child's birthday.

So we must find a way to bring joy to the occasion. Otherwise it will forever be as sad and dreaded as it is right now.  Maybe someday we can spend the day sharing our memories of Tru Tru with each other.  This year, I don't think we can do that.  I think the most we can hope for is just being together and enjoying each other and the fact that we still each other today, despite the brokenness we feel without Tru Tru, we still have each other, and as much as we don't want it to be, his death unites even more.

We love you so much Tru Tru.  We miss you more than words can say.  I still smell your sweet head from when I kissed you there, and feel your warm soft cheeks on my shoulder when you hugged and snuggled with me. Oh how I'd love to snuggle up with you now.  I feel your puffy baby hands in mine. I want to remember these things forever. It's painful to recollect but I don't want to ever forget anything.  Someday I'll see you again and I can't wait to kiss you and hug you and walk the streets of gold with you, hand in hand, and run through the green meadows, and pick flowers. Grammaw loves you baby boy. Happy Birthday! 

I had a bad dream last night, but I won't share the details here. I will just say that it took me back in my mind, to a very bad and sad place which I'd like to forget, but I'm learning, that I never will.  I know it's not sensible to even believe for a moment that one could forget such a horrific loss.  I'm just saying that sometimes I think I'd like to. At least some of the details that haunt me, and I'm sure are even more haunting for my daughter and her husband and son.

A friend of mine who lost a son almost two years ago will be reliving her nightmare this week as the unavoidable anniversary of her child's accident and death must come and go again.  It's not just a moment in time when something horrible happens to your child or grandchild, or anyone you love dearly. It's an ongoing state of shock, sadness, and despair, which gradually turns into something I can't seem to find a single word for but can only describe as just a forced acceptance of what is.  My heart mourns for my friend and her children and family who are already anticipating a heightened sense of grief for the upcoming week. I pray that God will grant them mercy and peace and allow them to pass through this time unscathed and remembering more good times than bad.

I know these days still lie ahead for us.  Truitt's birthday being the first such day, in just a couple of weeks. Then the holidays. But for those who know the Lord, we have all we need to get through these times. Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Another friend had a very close call with her daughter yesterday when she got kicked in the head by her horse.   The emergent state it sent my heart in just hearing about it was scary.  It reminded me yet again how precious each moment is and how every breath is a gift from God.  Fortunately, my friends daughter is going to recover from this near tragedy.  Somebody else's will not.  All over the world people mourn and grieve for loss of loved ones.  Let me say again, i think its worth repeating; For those who know the Lord, we have all we need to get through these times. Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Lord, your mercies are new every morning.  Bestow on my friend and her family new mercies this week, and peace beyond anything they could have hoped for. And please do the same for us, especially my dear daughter.