Jesus Loves Me, This I Know.....

For the Bible tells me so.  That's supposed to be enough, right?. Well, honestly, it is enough.  It is the reason that I'm not a complete train wreck right now. I can honestly say that without God's love I'd be  curled in my bed not willing to face the world each day. This morning I read this, " Not to worry, I don't know how I forgot, but we belong to God. This journey is His. We are going to walk toward the sound of His voice. And then when the path seems impossible, and the way unclear, we shall expect a bridge."  I think I can say that today I am choosing to walk toward the sound of His voice.  For the past several years, the journey I've been in with God has been tumultuous.  I've struggled to find my place, and my purpose, and His will for me to such an extent that I feel I've often jumped the path and in affect, missed the bridge He placed for me, many, many times, creating more chaos and confusion for myself.  I'm not saying I'm instantly cured. I don't think I will ever complete this journey. I've been on it so long now, I feel that my goal is to just learn to walk it with Him in a way that brings glory to Him, resulting peace for me.

Three weeks ago, God really shook up my world.  My sweet baby grandson, Truitt, drowned.  As the events leading up to his impending death unfolded, I clung to Jesus, I prayed with all my heart, I asked for a miracle, I asked for grace, I asked for mercy.  In my despair and heartbreak,I knew that God would do His will, and we might like the way that looked from our perspective.  As it would be, His will was for Truitt to go home with Him at the young age of twenty two months.  I had prayed all day before his death that God might grant us the ability to accept His will with grace and humility in a way that would be pleasing to Him, whatever His will turned out to be. After Truitt died, the initial feelings of the great loss we'd just experienced and the realization of what had inevitably just happened hit us all and we cried, and sobbed, and agonized for our baby boy.  For me, the agony took on a different aspect.  My pain ran just as deep in watching my daughter grieve the loss her son as it did in me losing my grandson, if not deeper.   Then when we'd gathered ourselves, the peace began to filter in.  I didn't recognize it at first. It just felt like a numbness. The week following his death seemed like the whole world stood still. It was like none of us really knew what to do next with our lives with that big gaping hole that used to be filled with Truitt's huge smile and gentle hugs and kisses. But the Spirit inside me gently spoke words of peace to my soul. Each day I knew He was there, even though I hurt.  After the funeral I began to feel a lot of guilt. Guilt for being so weak in my walk with the Lord, and in my faith, that He would have to use something this tragic to get me to draw nearer to Him. Guilt that my self absorbed complaints about not having friends that really cared about anything going on in my life, drove His decision to use my grandson to prove me wrong. (and wrong I was). Guilt that I hadn't spent more time with Truitt while I had the chance. All kinds of guilt came flooding in.  It's only been three weeks to the day that God called Truitt home, and I can't say that I don't feel those things anymore, but what I am learning. What I know right this moment, and really that's all I can cling to right now, is that God is sovereign, and His love endures forever, and He loves Truitt and He loves me, and He loves my daughter, and no matter how hard it gets to walk this path with Him, just when I think I've come to a place in the journey that is impossible to pass through, He will place a bridge for me, and He will hold my hand and walk across it with me.

My pain is real, but my hope is in the Lord. And that is where I am today.